I just read Alexz Johnson's latest post on her blog and I loved reading it so much that I decided to sit down in front of my laptop and just go.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading such utter truth. The mind is so intriguing and I love how it vexes us all with interests and yearning. I also love knowledge and Alexz is one I look to for that often on a Spiritual and emotional level; well, because she is my favorite musical artist. So... since I was 13 years old and I'm 26 now, she's been this girl... this singer/actress that I've positioned as my main focal point of intake musically. I've literally collected as much music of hers as I can find and I listen to her any chance I get. And for some reason the obsession has carried from puberty into my adulthood. I'm a gay man, I identify with women. I guess Alexz spoke to me. I was already a huge fan of her first acting project the TV show Disney's So Weird. Now... I'm thankful Alexz has stood up and made her voice known in the music industry. Because I'm a huge fan of a very strong artist. Who's music not only soothes my soul, but propels it and motivates it with music strongly as I live and breathe each day. We have a Spiritual need right?
Like, somehow as humans, we have to sit back and meditate. We all have searched for God in our own right at some point in our lives. I've been down many paths from studying with Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholicism, I've studied with the Mormon church (out of curiosity, plus there was this guy I liked that went to that church so...) I've attended Pentecostal, Non Denominational, Baptist, and others. I've delved into the Occult in my life. I'm an avid Tarot reader and anyone who knows me, and is comfortable with it, can tell you, it comes pretty natural to me and I've never left a reading without some word of strong advice the cards have left in my belly for the querent to acknowledge. I've ventured into Hinduism, and Buddhism. Gathering my Chakras as best I can in my bedroom with books scattered on the floor amidst candles and incense burning. Trying to focus on a mantra or a chant. Or using a pose from Yoga to help gather my focus and take in what the Universe (Buddah or Ganesh) is saying to my personal self while relieving my physical tension as well. I'm deeply interested in my roots and pleasing my ancestors and my Voodoo background passed down from a Grandmother who's crossed into death and who mentors me now as well on my Spiritual path in my mind has also been a strong influence on me spiritually. I've even gone much darker in my spirituality but that's for me to know.
Some by choice some not. Drugs can be something many try and fill a void with and I'm thankful to A) not consider pot a drug (also a strong influence spiritually) and B) to be in recovery for some time now and I'm blessed to be able to say that.
I've also found a dead body once... and had a few near death experiences. I stay in this spiritual plane of existence and understanding. Or... trying to understand rather...
Ramblings...
I'm trying to say as before Alexz spoke to me. I can't explain how things have panned out in my life. Over the years the coincidences I see between others and myself and the realizations of just how small a world it truly is and how we're all connected in a way. One species, one thing. I'm overly intellectual at times... I knew I shouldn't have tried that acid, but it was a social thing.
I love insight. And one thing I have found hard to process is my feelings. Around being attracted to men all my life (and going through the comb of religion was not an easy thing to realize every day) with guilt plaguing me almost daily throughout my childhood. I've needed times in my life to just sit back and listen to music to help heal some of the emotional wounds other people and myself exhausted and abused my ego and my self worth to cause.
I love Alexz Johnson's music. It's healed me. Guided me. Encouraged me. Strengthened me. Calmed me. Intrigued me. Fueled me. Healed me. I can honestly admit that without Alexz Johnson I would not be the man that I truly love and admire in the mirror to this day.
I'm thankful for her strength. She questions herself.
I'm thankful she's writing because look... it's inspired me.
I'm a Somebody. I'm a human... but one with a life to live... a job to do... people to engage with and love in my life. There was a time when I felt I was a nobody but times have changed that. And I remember Alexz telling me to never let anybody decide my self worth. I've focused my thoughts on those words and I've grown. And I'm so thankful for that.
I lost a job once and thought, if Alexz could go through this struggle and come out beautifully then I can too. It was nowhere near the loss Alexz had to face by being dropped and shelved from two record labels but the point I'm making is her life (or how I view her life, her words, and all her inspiration she gives me) is mirroring my life by simply existing and in turn I feel, it helps my life by making me a better human being, a better man, a better person. It's viewing someone else positively. Or allowing the positive things to influence and guide your own thinking in a positive way.
Don't give up Alexz! If you fight for what you want in your life then I will fight for what I want in my life! What more can you do for yourself or for others? Just be Alexz Johnson, unapologetically. You deserve that. God said that, whomever she is, when you were born and you owe yourself and the world nothing less than to be All that you Are. So WRITE! Writing is one of the best self healing tools we have. It's also one of the best ways to understand your own self and see the big picture in a ways by looking back into things you've written in the past.
I have people gawk and state my craziness and condemn the love I have for Alexz as an individual.
But I don't care. Sure it vexes me that my honesty is something to be ashamed of, but I can only be myself so I will do it without the feeling of question because I owe myself that much.
I hope Alexz can realize the strength she puts within other people despite feelings of self doubt. Life is always going to make you question motive and make you ask what if? Because if it didn't I don't know if we could attribute the word
grow to ourselves.
I love. I think love is what makes the world keep spinning.
<3 Jimmie
Go read Alexz's latest blog entry
HERE
